All By Myself

Traveling alone has become a source of pleasure in my life. I look forward to escaping the day to day. I research and plan a true tourist experience. I like being a solo tourist and making my way around a city without a squad. Whether I’m ubering, walking, or metroing my way through Washington D.C. taking in the wonders of Seattle, melting at the beauty of the homes in Charleston, or taking a break from the crowd in Montreal there’s something really refreshing and fulfilling about going on a solo mission. Planning MY itinerary and whipping out my iPhone (I mean, how did people live without them?) to find my way to the next adventure is good for me. It’s taught me more about how resourceful and strong I am.  It’s a good time for reflection and creative projects. It’s also helped me realize that I can connect with just about anyone. I’m great at chatting up strangers and I actually enjoy meeting new people in each city. I don’t have to include anyone in my plans. I go where I want to, when I want to, and how I want to. I don’t have to have the dreaded. “What do you want to eat?” conversation and I don’t have to get pissed at someone for waking up late and ruining the whole day. No one has any expectations of me.  I’m a woman who didn’t ride a plane until she was 21 and just left the US for the first time last month. The fact that I can get to the airport and board the correct vessel, is quite a feat.

Mimosa at Poogan's

During my time in Charleston as sweet southern people asked me repeatedly, “Are you here alone?” “Did you travel by yourself?” “Do you do this often?” “Are you eating dinner here all by yourself?” to which I replied, “Yes!” only to hear their responses of, “Wow, that’s something. You’re brave.” “Good for you.” “I want to do that when I grow up.” “That sounds like a great idea.” I began to think more about the taboo nature of this to most people. Most people would never travel alone. It would never cross their mind NOT to call up their besties for a voyage to a new place. Most people would never saddle up to a bar and eat a delicious meal with no one to talk to but the bartender until the others sitting on nearby stools open up after a couple of cocktails.

I don’t know WHY I can do this. I do know that my mother has similar albeit local tendencies.

And now for the raw & real part, I also came to the realization that for me, this “going solo” mentality is really all about preparation for the rest of my life. I’m often putting myself in positions to be alone because I think that’s going to be my state of being until the day I am no longer walking this earth. In my mind, I will be alone. Not lonely, but alone, and really by alone, I mean, single. When one turns 33 in the South and is the most single person on the planet and doesn’t have children, one is inclined to think about this in a deep reflective manner. I’m NEVER in a relationship (well, I haven’t been since college) and the thought of kids give me a heart attack.  I want to get used to just being “me” without anyone else to help me or accompany me on life’s adventures. I want to get so good at being just “me” that I numb the pain of the absence of a romantic partner. I want it to become normal so that I don’t put in the emotional work wondering, “Where is he?” or waste my prayers on some person that may not even exist. So, I detach and I run off to places all by myself. Sometimes, this can be as simple as a movie, museum, fitness class, or a concert, but other times it’s a new city in a different state. It’s the purchase of 1 ticket and the reservation for a table of 1.

I want to be a person who is full of hope and faith in God’s plan for me. He may have called me to be single or He may have called me to be married with three children. His answer might be “Not Yet” and not “No”. This is always my loudest prayer. I work to hold on to my belief that all He’s doing is for my good. But sometimes, y ’all, I just want to accept what is oddly the easiest and hardest answer–I wasn’t meant to be a married woman and I wasn’t chosen to be a mother. By just grappling with that notion, I find it easy to throw myself into individual pursuits. If this is the way it’s going to be then I must embrace it and I must celebrate it. I must own the position of falling in love with myself because I’m not sure that anyone else will ever want the job.

Me at the Beach

Yes, I understand how negative and messed up this might sound but this solo act business has become a coping mechanism to deal with my sometimes tear inducing fear of never again experiencing romantic love. Instead of doing something about my single state ( I don’t know what to do.) I just run from it. That kid thing I’m still REALLY unsure about at this time but having a person, my person, would be welcomed.

So, yeah, traveling alone is fun, but it’s much deeper than that for me.

Advertisements

Happy 2013!

I don’t do well with New Years’ Resolutions.

I have made one blanket resolution this year and here it goes:

create a life

 

I think that just about covers everything.

Of course, I have goals and need to work on making plans to meet those goals but at the end of the day when I make a decision I need to be more reflective and prayerful. “Yes” and “No” must be used in ways that are healthy, appropriate, and in alignment with my values. I’m turning 30 in April and I don’t want to “keep up appearances”.

Hope the beginning of 2013 is treating you well.

Later y’all.

 

 

Blog Roll

I  feel like I discover a new blog everyday. Let’s be honest, these days I’m reading more blogs than books.  Here are some of my most recent favorites.

Necessary & Proper

What Courtney Wore

The Love List

Fash Boulevard

The EveryGirl

These are all quite fashion/lifestyle oriented.

What are you reading?

This is an interesting sentiment and one that I hope is not true but I do wonder if all of this egocentric blogging is really doing any good for the world. I mean, I enjoy it because I find it cathartic and engaging in reflection is a powerful exercise. It also keeps me in writing mode and allows me express my own brand of creativity BUT I’ve also found that reading blogs has made me covet more things that I can’t afford and don’t need. My sense of relative deprivation has increased. Although, I must say that blogs have also helped me become more creative with the things I own. There are certainly pros and cons. I started out wanting to do a fashion blog but there is more to me than what I wear. I live a cool normal life but nothing too fancy and nothing too outlandish. I don’t want people to look at my life and covet it but instead if they like what they see I want them to realize that they too can make this happen with little resources and a great attitude. I guess I also wanted a medium to record my life and look back on it with a mixture of embarassment, awe, and gratitude. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Social media has allowed everyone to put their highlight reel on display for the world to see and oftentimes we forget that there are outtakes and behind the scenes action that we will never be privy to in someone’s life. I’m more often positive than not on my blog as it takes a lot to be vulnerable on the interwebs. Just remember, you are usually only seeing the good stuff. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that is all there is for any person. We’ve all got stuff. I promise.

 

Later y’all.