What?! An Extra 24? Hey Februrary.

Feb 1

 

This post is the definition of late. We are 9 days into Black History Month and this post should have been delivered 4 days ago. I just realized that there could be layers to this statement but there’s enough commentary (too much) circulating about blackness after a certain superstar decided to stray from her nonthreatening lyrical roots and get more in touch with her actual roots. As I commented to a friend this morning, “don’t let anyone interrupt your slaying time.” Therefore, I SLAY! Today’s post is about the slayage that has already and will continue to take place in the month of February.

It’s a leap year, y’all! We get that extra 24 hours. I’ve scheduled a nap. How about you?

Oh, and I don’t do Valentine’s Day. I’m not even going to act like I have some higher intellectual view towards the holiday. I’m not in love and I haven’t had an actual Valentine’s Day since I was in college therefore, I’m jealous and it makes me sad. So there! Get out of my face with all of your pink and red shit. Yes, I know, I’m going to spend the day engaged in loving myself and the Lord. Yeah, I got it. 

February Happenings

  1. Launch of The Leadership Studio/ Communication Studio Session
  2. S.A.I.L Success Session
  3. Steve’s Birthday!
  4. JLN Masquerade
  5. NEL Opening Mixer
  6. JLN Board Meeting
  7. Super Bowl
  8. First PREVAIL Planning Team Meeting
  9. NEL Facilitator Training
  10. JLN In Home Meeting
  11. JLN 8th Signing at MCJCH
  12. InTune Alpha Chi Omega @ UGA
  13. Brene Brown & Valentine’s Day
  14. Nashville Emerging Leaders
  15. MOTOWN @ TPAC
  16. Relationships Session on Commons
  17. Dare 2 Be @ Crosspoint
  18. Mavenly + Co visit
  19. Tamara’s Goodbye Brunch
  20. IMPACT @ American University
  21. First draft due of book chapter

Feb 2

February Hopes

  1. Submit NELA Application on 2/15
  2. Continue BossyPants and Leadership Instablog research
  3. 3 posts to PeculiarPearl
  4. Complete S.A.I.L Session 2- Authenticity
  5. Send out Doodle for next if:gathering in March
  6. Complete NLC Homework
  7. Finalize plans for EVOLVE
  8. Begin planning for EVOLVE
  9. Start planning for TEDxVanderbiltUniversity 2016!
  10. Beyoncé Tickets!!! Prayers, please!
  11. Set up meetings with at least 2 past JLN Presidents
  12. Set up a dentist appointment
  13. Finalize 33rd Birthday Trip
  14. Pray for an open heart and mind when it comes to this season of my life. Pray that the Lord will give me the strength to embrace it and not let it lead me to lose my faith or hope in His promises. To constantly seek to be intentionally full of light, love, and laughter.
  15. Sweat at least 30 minutes each day (my fitness motivation is not in a good place)
  16. Leave at least 1 blank night a week
  17. Be in bed by midnight
  18. Buy less stuff (2 sweaters from LOFT, new Spanx, mani and pedi for Masquerade)

Now, it’s time to work. 20 days and counting, my friends.

I see it, I want it
I stunt, yeah, little hornet
I dream it, I work hard
I grind ’til I own it… (Beyoncé, Formation)

I’ve updated my January Happenings & Hopes post in case you’d like to see my success rate.

What about you? What’s happening for you during the month of love?

Krystal “I strongly dislike those chalky candy hearts” Clark

 

 

 

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“I Am Launching A Rocket.”

“I am such a small person. I don’t have many talents. I’m weak. Nothing I do has any real significance.” says many a Christian about the possibility of being used by God. Schaeffer’s response to that man or woman is that, “with God, there are no little people.”- Francis A. Schaeffer, No Little People 

On Wednesday, I attended the Faith and Work Summit hosted by the Nashville Institute for Faith & Work. I didn’t really know what to expect from this event but left with pages of notes and a head full of renewed thoughts surrounding the concept and realization of “work”.

faith and work 1

Great event! Looking forward to more learning from this organization. 

Work according to one of our speakers doesn’t have to be in an office. Work comes from many places including if you’re a stay at home mom, a student, or a volunteer in your community.

I have a pretty clutch roster of work but I can have a very negative attitude about going to work and sometimes about completing aspects of the work that I do. I have a tendency to look forward to Friday and live for the weekend. I really love a day off and a snow day is often a dream come true. Getting out of bed in the morning can be rough and watching the minutes slowly tick by can be painful as I sloth my way towards 5 pm. I wish for meetings to end and I sigh heavily as I dive into a less than desirable project. I hustle to close my door to secure quiet moments from the students and my co-workers. I develop a bad attitude and use pretty profane language in reference to my job and sometimes my co-workers. Yeesh, I must sound like a dragon lady. Please know that  for the most part, I love my co-workers, the students, and the work that I do. Really, I do. 

leaving work

You know I’m not the only one. 

Unfortunately, this is not a unique story as it seems that most people have a certain loathsome disposition towards the work week. T.G.I.F and FriYay! are all over my newsfeed. Prayers for the Lord to just get people to the weekend are a regular sight and when you ask people how they’re doing at work, they might often respond with, “just two days till Friday” or “just hanging in there until the weekend” and when it’s finally Friday you get that shiny day of the week as a one word response with a big grin. It’s like we’ve crossed a finish line and now get to celebrate our PR, at least until Monday rolls back around and let’s not get started on people’s pure and unbridled hatred of that day of the week.

The Faith and Work Summit wants us, as Christians, to think differently about work. Scott Sauls from Christ Presbyterian Church in Nashville, TN decided to slay the stage and drop the mic with all the good words he rained out upon the audience. I’m not Presbyterian and Rev. Sauls was pretty amazing. I’m always looking for a good Word. 

First, we, as Christians, are designed for work. “God is a worker.” Whenever we encounter Him in the Bible, He is working by creating or redeeming. When we first meet Him, He is working and when He is done, He rests on the Sabbath. That’s our model for life. We, being made in His image, are created to work. We are a product of His work.

Rev. Sauls  spoke about work from a place of Dignity, Mission, and Witness.

faith and work 2

I’m a believe in taking old school handwritten notes. I come armed with a notebook and pen. This is only 1 page of many. 

Dignity 

I love the quote at the top of the page because we are reminded that there are no little, people, places, or jobs. All of our work is significant and can be used by God. We live in a world of “just”. I remember eating at Logan’s Roadhouse (don’t judge me) with a friend for lunch and our server said, “Oh, I’m just a trainee.” –I looked at her, and said “don’t say that, what you’re doing is important.” I have a visceral reaction to anyone saying they are “just” this or “just” that. What you are doing matters. You have to believe that. I love that he referenced us participating in a “socially constructed hierarchy of vocation”. Lawyers, Doctors, Bankers, CEOs, College Presidents at the top and Plumbers, Sanitation Workers, Housekeepers, and Exterminators at the bottom with the rest of us shoved into the middle. But can you imagine a world in which we did not have Sanitation Workers? A world full of Lawyers and no Sanitation Workers? I mean, tell me who should be on top of the hierarchy in that world? Sanitation Workers are Royalty!  Remember, Matthew 20:16, “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.” At some point, this will all be flipped on its head. All vocations matter and contribute to the bigger picture.

He told a story that ended with the lesson, “whatever lane you’re in, you’re launching a rocket.” I thought about that on Thursday and Friday morning. No matter how insignificant I might feel my job is in this world, I have to internalize that, I’m launching a rocket. Whatever I am doing is contributing to God’s masterpiece. Finding the dignity in my work and showing others the same is a critical element of integrating my faith with my vocation.

I grew up with a grandmother, aunt, and mother who all worked as cleaning women and nannies. My grandmother was the definition of The Help. My mom cleaned hotel rooms, and my aunt and mother did in-home healthcare. When I was younger, I didn’t look highly upon this caste of work and I vowed to never have to do anything like that in my life. As I’ve gotten older, I understand now how honorable that work is and that I’m blessed to have had women in my life who worked ridiculously hard to “launch a rocket.” There is dignity in their work and the contributions they made to the lives of others by engaging in this work. I am sure that as they were cleaning up after others, helping to make life easier for the ill and elderly, and raising other people’s children that they served as proof to others that God is real. 

Mission

“God has invited you to partner with him in something meaningful.” –What if this is the way we thought about work? A partnership between you and God to do something meaningful in this world. How could you not be excited to go to work? There is a thrill in ingesting this as your truth.

Work has a mission element to it and can be a calling. In whatever area you work, you are helping to forward the mission of God. I’m an educator and he stated that this is reflective of the wisdom and mind of God.

Witness

Last, he spoke about Witness and that “awareness in God’s work should compel us and liberate us to go for it.” We have read of and heard of His great works. We know the beautiful results of His work. We’ve witnessed it. Because we know this, why wouldn’t we want to work? His grace and His mercy will carry us through and His arms are always open to us. “There is no year end review with God.” He’s not going to fire you. So, do the work, develop a desire to do the work, and feel free to do the work with the full knowledge that He’s in your corner.

I sometimes get nervous about launching new programs at work or I’m unsure how to handle a predicament that a student has dropped on my round table. My students are often a great deal more “book smart” than I am and sometimes that can be a little overwhelming but I know the goodness of His work and letting these feelings hold me back is not necessary and it isn’t what He wants from me in this world. He wants me to do work and keep His example in mind.

Dignity

Mission

Witness

The goal is to not shape my identity around success and another speaker urged us to “ignore the pull of the concern for the end result.” Be in the midst of the process of your work.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Picking up this book this weekend. Also looking more into Katherine Alsdorf and her work in this area. 

My Lightbulb

The way that I view work, the way that I approach my work, the way that I do my work should be wrapped around my faith. Now, this can often be a bit hard for me to think about because I work at a private institution and we’ve had some grumbling with faith-based organizations and their connection to the University. We work to be a diverse and inclusive institution on all spectrum of identity. What I was reminded of is that, my job is not to baptize people in the middle of the student center, my job is to just love people. Love them, be there for them, listen to them, support them, laugh with them, allow them to cry, be thoughtful, pass along any knowledge that I possess, be a friendly face, a warm heart, create environments and opportunities for them to thrive, and sometimes I’ve found that college students just want a hug. A very appropriate hug. My job is not to “get them saved”. My job is to be a shining example of God’s love. That’s it.

I have students who are openly believers and I have students who I’ve never once had a conversation about faith. And that’s fine, because my only job is for them to feel like there’s something good about me being in their midst. That goodness is that my work is backed by Him.

My Truth

To be honest, I’m a pretty moody person and on top of that, I’m a task oriented human being. When I get into a project–I don’t like to be disturbed. I like when people make appointments and it’s really hard for me to get back on track after being interrupted. I have outbursts of chatter and giggles and the next moment, I’m done with everyone and just want to be left alone. I have a quick temper. I only have a certain level of tolerance for feelings and on most days, I just want to tell people that they need to get up and shake it off. I have to work really hard to have good empathetic and developmental conversations. We didn’t do that in my family. We just kept moving and all the “stuff” dealt with itself or just never was dealt with at all. I’m a roller coaster, my friends. I’m perfectly imperfect. 

My Prayer

What I hope and what I will now begin to pray is that I create a new outlook on work. Because I know that I’m blessed to have the work that I have in my life. That I see my work and the work of others from a place of Dignity, Wisdom, and Mission. That I believe that I am launching a rocket and that I’m in a partnership with God to do so. God is a worker and that part of me being His means that I’m a worker too. I am made for it. My job is not to get people saved, it is simply to love them. My success is not the numbers on my Success Plan but instead in how I’m forwarding the mission of Christ. My vocation matters and He can use me and my work for a greater purpose. When I wake up in the morning, I am going to do His good work and I have to remind myself of this every time I find myself in the valley wishing for Friday. God’s work isn’t just in the church and isn’t just for pastors and missionaries. All good work is God’s work. 

There was then a really strong panel that I’ll talk about in another post. What a full and blessed night!

Check out the Nashville Institute for Faith & Work at nifw.org @NashFaithWork (Instagram & Twitter), /NashFaithWork on Facebook, or send over an email to info@nifw.org.

I now have to pick up Timothy Keller’s, Every Good Endeavor, to dig deeper into this topic.

What about you? What’s your perspective on work and the integration of your faith with your vocation?

Krystal “Do Work” Clark

 

 

 

 

Full.

Watch this video.

I live with the same gremlin as Oprah, “Who do you think you are?”

FULL is my 2016 Word. Read this Yellow + Co. post for more info. Resolutions are not my thing. Well composed goals that include a plan of action and accountability systems are a whole lot better. One word that keeps me pointed in the right direction creates a simple guidepost for my life. I don’t have to check a list to make sure I’m getting it all “right”. I just have to check the gauge on my heart and mind to see if I’m heading towards full.

“Now, I work at being full. I want to be so full that I’m overflowing. Overflowing with enough to share with everybody else…I’m going to own the fullness without ego and without arrogance, but an amazing sense of gratitude that I live at a time where I have the great pleasure and freedom to fill myself up.” –Oprah

FULL

Happy 2016, y’all. Here’s to a life of being full. Full of becoming more of who I already am, full of saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ intentionally, full of belly laughing, full of love for myself and others, full of God and reminders of His grace, full of music, full of delicious food, full of movement, full of creativity, full of knowing that being single does not determine my worth, full of living my life in my lane, full of magic, full of friends, full of reflection, full of choosing joy, full of family, full of events, full of seeing failure as information, full of enjoying the small moments, full of fighting the good fight, full of getting stronger, full of less stuff and more experiences, full of honoring my needs, full of hope, full of savoring the season of my life, full of being a little bit better today than I was yesterday, and full of doing the best I can with what I have. This little tea cup is just waiting to overflow.

I think we have enough people who are living their lives empty of their truth. They are curating themselves into someone they aren’t. Being full of oneself isn’t a negative thing and I’d choose it any day over being empty of the me God made me to be.

Now, when I hear that little gremlin say, “Who do you think you are?” I will simply say, “I’m me.”

What’s your word of 2016? What’s that one focus that you’ll keep in mind as you move throughout the year. That internal check-in that will let you know if you’re experiencing your personally defined vision of success.

Krystal “Someone Get That Woman an Extra Cup” Clark

#FULL

The Best and Hardest Gift from God

This picture is the aftermath of 1.5 hours on stage at Delta Zeta’s Norma Minch Andrisek Leadership Conference. I spoke on “Building Resilience” with over 400 sorority women who served as onlookers, learners, participants, and co-educators as we talked about the hard process of “bouncing back” and what it means to “stretch” and not “break”. As Brene Brown and Oprah spewed their wisdom on vulnerability being the cornerstone of confidence the necessity of “daring greatly” and the freedom that comes with brushing your critics off your shoulder. Whew!

aftermath

I literally float on a cloud when I’m giving a talk and then I have to work my way back to earth. Eventually I crash which is the view you see above and YES, I’m watching a 30 For 30 because these documentaries are my “Lifetime Movie”. The U: Part 1 & 2 give me life. As someone who is intrigued by topics like vulnerability, resiliency, and self-authorship–I find the tales of athletes to be riveting. Our athletes are our superheroes and to see all that they go through whether inflicted by self or others is always inspiring.

As I was deflating in this lovely hotel room while wrapped up in comfy hotel bedding thinking about this opportunity that God has given me to do what I feel I’ve been called to do, I got one of those pangs–you know, one of those single woman pangs. That feeling that’s been happening more and more lately that yes, I have a charmed life BUT I’m still missing elements that I thought by 32 would be present. At least, I thought I’d have a partner –perhaps not children, but a partner for certain, someone to share what’s happening in my life. Someone who would be excited for me, proud of me, and would be waiting for me when I got off the plane or would be there with me, in the moment, smiling at me from the audience.

Those pangs HURT. My appendix swelling was pretty painful and single woman pangs are a close second. Both are debilitating.

Wholeheartedly

Luckily, I stashed my Wholeheartedly Devotional in my travel bag before I departed for O-H-I-O. Because God is who He is the next devotional in the serious is called “receive”.

“Only those people who have been given the gift of staying single can accept this teaching. Some people are unable to marry because of birth defects or because of what someone has done to their bodies. Others stay single for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Anyone who can accept this teaching should do so.” Matthew 19:11-12

The words jumped off the page and into my heart and soul. Natalie Matrejean, the author of Wholeheartedly expressed what she learned about being single from this scripture and I desperately needed to hear and understand this Word.

1. Singleness is a gift (let’s hope there’s a gift receipt). Some people are gifted with singleness. If you are one of those people He will help you.

2. Singleness is hard (YEP!). Even some who are called will not be able to accept it.

3. Singleness is better for the kingdom. Jesus is saying to receive and accept singleness  for His Kingdom’s sake if you have been called to it.

In that moment, in the hotel room and in many other moments throughout my life, I have to remember and accept these three things.

My singleness is a GIFT. For some reason He is calling me to it for a season or perhaps for the rest of my life. I often realize that the freedom that comes with being single is a huge gift from God. I have loads of FREEDOM to live and serve. I am blessed to know and understand that I have a God who helps me navigate my solo mission.

It is HARD. A lot of the time it’s hard because of what’s going on around me. It seems that everyone is married and having tons of babies. The world has found its other half and I’m that sock that lost its match in the dryer. It’s also hard because there are times when I just want someone to hug me. I want a partner in life because most things are better when you have a buddy. You know, a built in human support system. I’ve been in love and it feels great. I need some serotonin and oxytocin, you know? It’s hard to play against a team when you’re all alone.

It is BETTER? I don’t know. On a daily basis, my answer is a big resounding, NO!  Sometimes I feel it is  when I see people I love going through incredibly dramatic relationship matters. Divorce, infidelity, unhappy marriages, and difficult conversations. I don’t want those headaches. However, if its BETTER for God then I guess it is BETTER. If he sees fit to use me in a special way to serve Him then perhaps for me, at this time, or until I leave this earth, it is BETTER for me to be single.

In order to gain some peace during this current season of my life, I have to “receive” this message. I have to believe that it is a Gift, it is Hard, and it is Better. If this is my calling, and I receive it, then I shall be blessed by it.

It was also a wake up call to me that because I am ABLE to do more for His kingdom because I’m not occupied by a spouse or any dependents, that I need to do so and if I’m honest with you, I’m not doing enough for God at this moment in my life.

In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. 1 Cor. 7:34-35

Delving into this teacher helped the pangs subside and I was able to open myself back up to the happiness that was happening all around me. As I know but as I have to keep reminding myself at every turn, that God is in control. His plan, His timing, my obedience.

My life is too blessed and I’m doing what I said I wanted to do in life. I’m human and I have those valley moments and like I told the sorority women in the audience, we’ve all got to work our way back up from those black holes in our life. My resiliency is a factor of my faith and when I’m feeling those single woman pangs, God is the best at giving me the Word I need to get back to good. My joy comes from the Lord and if this is what He sees fit for me at this point in my life then I can’t let my singleness ruin all of the blessings he’s bestowed upon me. Because what I now understand is that it is too a blessing. Exhale.

Thanks for reading.

Krystal

May 21-June 21 Goals

Perhaps I should have posted these at the beginning of May but as I think Lara Casey would attest to there is really nothing special about the first of the month. It’s a day that we’ve socially constructed to mean the beginning or starting point but who says you can’t start on the 21st? Throw away nonessential rules!

Nashville Bucket List –My list of things to do in my favorite city this summer. I envy those people who say things like, ” I summer in The Hamptons.” You know folks got bank when seasons become verbs. I haven’t reached baller status so for now #isummerinNashville.

Fruit Name

Update my Retirement Plan–I’m 32 and it’s never too early to get this party started. I have great employer matching benefits and I want to make sure that I’m taking full advantage of every opportunity to save for retirement.

Restaurant Crawl– Dinner at Lockeland Table and I still have 2 reservations to secure for a dinner date and a group brunch. I’m also working on a visit to Biscuit Love.

Sunday Gratitude Time– I have a ton of Thank You Notes and Love Letters to write to special folks in my life. Time to get it started! –Fruitful Summer!

Mail God

Summer Reading List– Diving into Spinster by Kate Bolick and Do Over by Jon Acuff

The Nashville Zoo

The Peach Truck

Fitness Goals

Use my Fit Factory Nashville Groupon. I purchased a months worth of classes. Can’t let that $39.00 go down the drain. IP

Yoga on the Field!

Begin the Barre3 Anywhere Challenge on June 1. The first challenge was the best fitness experience ever for me and I’m looking forward to getting it done again.

– Pick 3 new recipes from Soul Food Love and Oh Gussie! to prepare.

Professional Goals

Present at the National Conference for College Women Student Leadership at my alma mater, University of Maryland, College Park.

Participate in Mid-Level Managers’ Institute taking place right here in Nashville. So thankful to have been selected for this PD experience.

-Hold action oriented meetings for PREVAIL and TEDxVanderbiltUniversity

– Transfer Student Recruitment for EVOLVE

Summer Leadership Challenge! First 3 challenges.

Peculiar Pearl Goals

3 Posts per week

Build instagram following over @peculiar_pearl

Get new business cards

Develop a Business Plan

Email Rachel about training with Liz

– Craft Key messages/services

Orientation at Nashville Entrepreneur Center

Faith Goals

Continue working through the Wholeheartedly Devotional

Attend the Belonging Co.

– Continue seeking and praying about a Bible Study/Small Group

I think that might be enough. I’m excited and tired –is there a word for that?

Krystal

Quiet As It’s Kept…

Mandy Hale

Mandy Hale

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my perpetual state of being single. I’ve been in wondrous love once and crippling lust once and out of the two I’m praying for the former this next time around.

However, I just don’t do well with this whole thing. People always ask me, “Why are you still single?” That’s like asking saying to someone who’s lost, “Tell me exactly where you are.” If I knew the answer to this question, maybe I wouldn’t be single.

Here’s a few reasons I’ve conjured up or have been told to me by the gaggle of sages that inhabit my life (note the sarcasm):

  1. You’re surrounded by too many women. . You need to hang out in mixed groups.
  2. You should try online dating.
  3. You don’t leave any space in your life for another person. Start making room for that person to be in your life and he shall appear.
  4. You just seem really happy being single. It’s not easy to see that you want another person in your life.
  5. You’re too picky!
  6. Oh, and my favorite–You’re just really intimidating and have it all together. Men don’t really know how to handle that in a woman.

My single status only bothers me every now and then. There are days when I’m beyond the moon grateful that I don’t have a partner and children because of the freedom I have in my life, but then there are those days when I’m not sure that I can wake up AGAIN alone in my bed or go to one more event by myself. At 32, when I see all of these beautiful babies tottering around in the world, I feel like my uterus and heart are going to burst. Living in the South doesn’t help with these feelings.

I constantly ask myself, Why me? Why am I the single educated black woman stereotype? What did I do wrong? Hell, I worked really hard to do as much as I could in the manner I thought was “right”. Why can’t a male see that and want me to be a part of his life? Am I really that awful?

Over the past 32 years, I’ve dealt with confidence issues and  there was certainly a period of my life that rears its ugly head on my worst days, in which I thought that if I just lost weight, had longer hair, made myself less ugly, and dumbed myself down that I would be able to find him. Those days when I thought that if I just relaxed and let him control everything that I would be deemed less intimidating and more attractive. I’m not proud of those days and what I allowed to happen because of those poisonous thoughts. It’s still really difficult when I go out and don’t get any attention from men. It takes me a minute to not let myself fall back into that pit of worthlessness. Luckily, it takes me a shorter amount of time to bounce back then it did when I was 16.

I think this is one the reasons I enjoy social media because I certainly get positive affirmation from others in those areas in which I need it the most. On those days when I feel less than about who I am, a ‘Like’ can make a difference in my day. I know this isn’t healthy, but I think it’s a sickness many of us are dealing with in this world. The source of our approval should never be man and I’m working on that slowly but surely. The Krystal you see on Facebook is a real woman and in those moments, I am happy, but there are other layers to me –layers of sadness and imperfection—layers of wanting more and feeling like less more days than I’d like to admit. Those quotes I post are as much for me as they are for you. If I layer my day with hope, faith, and Beyonce-like motivation, I can get through just about anything.

What I know for sure is that I live a blessed life. The people, the places, my profession, my ability to wear bright colors, my intelligence, my large smile, and fun hair, the ways that I’m able to give back to others, etc. are all gifts. I mean, there are so many blessings on my doorstep that I’m constantly overwhelmed by God’s goodness. I’ve got it so good…I just wonder more and more what it would be like to do my life in partnership with another person.

For the longest time I screamed at the top of my lungs, “I NEVER want to get married and I NEVER want to have kids.” I now know that a lot of that was fear. Fear that my marriage would turn out like my mother’s and fear that this was never in the cards for me. Sandbagging became my chosen defense mechanism. Maybe if I said it long enough, I’d come to believe it.

My conservative side is winning this battle and I want to be married and then have children. I want that good ‘ol nuclear family. I didn’t have this growing up and I’m not going to make the decision to be a single mother. My mother did a kickass job raising two unicorn children BUT that wasn’t her choice and a father is important in a child’s life. No one needs daddy issues. Believe me.

Say it and it shall be so. Well, I’m saying it out loud. I want at least to have the opportunity to have a family of my own. I don’t want this desire to completely consume me but I don’t want it to allude me either.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to hit the discotheques or start hiding out in Whole Foods playing ‘Spot the Wedding Ring’. It also doesn’t mean that I’m going to spend an inordinate amount of time winking, flirting, poking, and swiping folks on a screen. I’m also not going to become Eeyore. I shall be glad. It just means that I’m opening my mind and my heart. I’m going to stop denying what I want out of fear.

“You’re single not because you’re not good enough for one, it’s that you’re too good for the wrong one.”- Chris Burkmenn

God has given me this ever present season for a reason. He’s preparing me for greater. My first love and my crippling lust weren’t the end goal for me. While I’m waiting for His choice, I want to fully embrace this time in my life even more than I already do. I have great things to offer this world. I don’t want to have any regrets and I certainly don’t want to press PAUSE on all the bright sides of life while I twiddle my thumbs hesitating to move forward until my Prince Charming appears. As I’m living and waiting with my heart, I want to cocoon myself in His word. My moments of loneliness and emptiness as I trick myself into believing that I’m not loved need to be filled with Him and His promises.

Wholeheartedly

Luckily, I found Natalie Metrejean and we’re sharing the same struggle. Wholeheartedly: A Devotional For Singles will be my new companion as I work through devotions focused on being a single woman and what God wants for us and from us during this season. Already, I have spent time thinking through lies that need to be confronted, so that I can move forward living based on God’s truth. Clearing out the junk including the negative self-talk that hurts me even more than others do on a daily basis. Follow Natalie Instagram @NATALIEMETREJEAN.

While I’m waiting, hoping, wishing, dreaming, and certainly praying I think the Word is the best player to have on my team.

Pray with me and for me. Whatever God has for me I know is for my good. He hasn’t let me down yet and I know that He won’t start today.

Also, if you know of any bachelors, I’m more than willing to be set up. A girl’s got to eat and I might as well do it with another person ;).

Be Glad

 Thanks for reading.

Krystal

Oh, hey 32.

It’s time for another fantastic voyage around the sun! 32 happened today.

It was grand. It’s Good Friday so there’s way more to be thankful for than my birthday BUT…I certainly celebrated my origin and am thankful others took the time to do so as well.

So, what happens now? Hmm…let’s see…my apartment and car are messy (as per usual), there was a tornado warning, dinner plans were cancelled (totally fine as my spa appointment was running long and I was quite unaware of the mess my hair would be after all of that TLC). I slept in, took a great Barre3 class, and spent from 12:45-almost 6:00 at ESCAPE Day Spa. Now, that was heavenly. Sigh! I also received a litany of the sweetest and most thoughtful messages from family and friends. All in all, it was a perfect day of rest, relaxation, and an increased awareness of all the love I have in my life.

In between spa services, I read Hannah Brencher’s “If You Find This Letter”. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon her but her writing is pure poetry. The depth of feeling is unfathomable which is probably why I began to cry as I read it during my pedicure. My emotions have been pouring out of me like crazy lately…I’m not sure how I feel about that but when you gotta cry, you gotta cry. I’m not sure if the woman working on my feet noticed my tears. If she did, she politely did not mention it and instead made my toes pretty with a polish called “Can’t Be Beet” and brought me a cup of delicious green tea. I think the tears came from a variety of things. Would you like to join me as I psychoanalyze myself?

1. I’m 32 and that’s awesome and scary. On my best day,  I feel 21. I don’t think I’m unique in thinking that I should be further ahead in life than I actually am. Whatever “further ahead” means.

2. It’s a total privilege and I’m overwhelmed by the blessings I have to be able to afford to spend an obnoxious amount of time at a day spa. It wasn’t cheap but was totally worth it. Treat yo’ self 2015!

3. I don’t think that I’ve rested like that in a really long time. I carry a lot around in my head and in my shoulders.  I tucked my phone into my locker and I just relaxed. No work, no family, no Nashville stuff, nothing. Just me, myself, all of these great smells, the sound of water, twinkling stars on the ceiling, fresh cucumber water, and these amazing cookies that look like tree bark but tasted like perfection. No to-do list or goals. Just Krystal and peace.  No striving to get to the next step, no feeling like I’m behind–just sitting, laying, breathing, napping, and praying (all while in a robe). I needed this respite real bad. I needed to not know there was a tornado outside.

cucumber water

4. Hannah’s book is a lot about LOVE. L-O-V-E. Romantic love is illusive in my life. I think I had it once but not since. Having a birthday reminds you of the many types of love that exist in this world and though I don’t have “the one”, I do have many. Many amazing human beings who have love for me in their heart. People who love me for who I am and love me unconditionally. I’m surrounded by love all the time. I can’t discount that love because I don’t have a boyfriend or husband. The love I get from the many is the love that’s kept me going strong for the past 32 years. It’s the love of many that gets me out of bed and is the love that pushes me to be a little bit better today than I was yesterday. It’s the love that makes my smile big and my laughter loud. It’s LOVE and it’s so good. My tears were a mixture of heartache and me simply recognizing again that my time hasn’t come yet for someone to love me in a romantic way and that doesn’t make me less of a person. I’m a whole person. There’s all this magic love around me on a regular basis that makes and keeps my heart full. As my birthday is on Good Friday, I must never forget the ultimate love of Jesus dying on the cross for little ‘ol me. Me not having a boo to take me to the Masquerade Ball can never cause me heartache without my permission because of His  love in my life. It’s hard to understand why I haven’t found the love of my life BUT I can’t let it break me and I can’t let it scar my entry into 32. God’s got a plan. I have a purpose. It’s going to work itself out someday. All of that is worth some tears, right?

So, all in all, it was a strong, beautiful, and cleansing day. My pedi, facial, eye refresher, and massage made it a solid first day of 32 and tomorrow I’m eating brunch and dinner with great folks, trying a new workout class and continuing the celebration into Easter with church, another great workout, and Sam’s Place at Ryman. Then back to the real world…

32 is going to be what I make it. I just want to choose happy and I want to thrive. I want to push fear off a cliff. I want to trust myself more. Ask for what I want and ask again if I don’t get it. I want to keep loving and serving Nashville while loving and serving God. I want to go to concerts and new cities. I want to educate. I want to work out and eat healthy.  I want to grow and I want to make it to 33. I want to make it to 33 with a whole new set of challenges and not the same old mess. I want to change if I need to and hold tight to what makes me the woman I am. I want to believe all of the amazing things others see in me.

All of that can’t possibly be too much to ask, right?

Hope you’ll keep reading as I take on another year of life.

Krystal