So, over the course of the past two weeks I’ve had three friends say to me something in the vein of, “I’m so happy that stuff happens to you.” “It’s nice to know that you’re human.” “I mean, you’re just so happy all the time and put together that you made me feel bad about not loving my life.” “I mean, I think this struggle is really good for you.”
I build walls. Who knew that I was so handy? I have surrounded myself with thick tall brick walls with barbed wire fencing around them, surveillance cameras, and murderous dogs. I am trapped inside a fortress that I built of my own volition brick by brick. This project has been under construction since before I can even remember and has continued into my 30th year of life. I don’t like feelings, I don’t have time to deal with being hurt, I love myself and fuck everyone else. All I need is my family and God. Friends are nice but they come and go. No need to work on keeping them in my life especially when we no longer live in the same state. People who wear their heart on their sleeves get hurt and that one time I fell in love and that love fell apart ruined me and my walls for longer than I’d like to admit. I will only let you know so much even though for some reason you might just tell me everything about you including secrets you’ve never told anyone else. I keep you outside,I stay inside, and we both win, right?
Why am I the warmest ice princess you’ll? Here’s the truth: I’m afraid. I do really well with keeping up appearances but I’m super afraid of being known and not being loved. So, instead I keep with being loved but not really known. This is why I went to a therapist yesterday.
I was doing perfectly fine in my fortress until he showed up and I actually had a feeling. A feeling that I haven’t had since 2005 when I met the first wall destroyer. He knocked a hole into the structure and now I have to repair it because he didn’t really want to commit to being the person who helps me demolish the rest of the fortress. He just wanted a peek inside of the pretty building. I loathed him but am incredibly drawn to him all at the same time. Anyone that can get through the walls is someone that I need to keep close to me. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” I was going to allow him to know me and to be honest as we spend time with each other as friends I continue to tell him things that I’ve never uttered to others. It scares and excites me.
However, what I quickly came to discover is that both of them, the wall climbers, are incredibly similar. Eerily similar to the point that I almost had a wrong name incident the other day during a lengthy phone conversation. Eek! Another reason for the therapist.
He is not the reason for all of my stuff right now but I think that he triggered something inside of me that was just waiting to happen. Now, I’m working on dealing with all of the things swimming in my head and my heart. God put him here for a reason and perhaps I need to concentrate on the why of his arrival.
My friends from above meant well. They want to know me and care about me. No, my life isn’t perfect and I maybe I just needed to finally say that aloud as opposed to my post perfections on many social media outlets.
So, I’m currently under construction and am at a stalemate with the design team simply because I don’t know if these walls are the best aesthetic for me. Maybe I need to change my style to something more welcoming? I guess I’m just worried that I’m not strong enough to support open space.
My pastor tells us that we can’t ever truly be loved unless we are truly known. Perhaps it is time that I let myself be known.