This is what I’ve been hearing from my friends lately. I know that this response to my recent life updates does not contain one ounce of maleficence. It is just their way of being brutally honest about their relief at the difference between their perception of my life and the reality of it.
Summer & Fall 2013 have been quite different from the normal path of Krystal. I haven’t committed manslaughter or had a quickie wedding in Vegas that was annulled at the behest of my livid mother in 48 hours–but things have just veered a bit off track as defined by me and the people who “know” me. I am essentially having a life that I would have judged and still might judge another woman for having, especially at my age. Eek! I guess that serves me right for being a judger. I do not have that authority!
Let’s be honest…this is ALL my fault. The fact that people believe that I have it all figured out, that my life is super good, I make few mistakes, I’m super cute for every event, I have more confidence than anyone in the world EVER, I get EVERYTHING done all the time, that I’m teflon and don’t let petty feelings get in my way and of course that I’m this overly strong black woman and a beacon of what it means to be completely happy and successful while single and 30 is my fault. I have led them to believe this by my actions and the constant chronicling of my life via social media. My highlight reel looks AMAZEBALLS–the actual film is a Lifetime Movie waiting to happen.
I’m mostly happy and I’m very blessed but I am not perfect and things that might bother other women who are single and 30 totally bother me too. Like, just being single and 30 is beginning to bug me. Tick Tock, Tick Tock goes the biological clock! I do have feelings and I’m actually way more sensitive than you think. I laugh a lot but sometimes it is actually to keep from crying. “I’m a real girl (in my Pinocchio voice)!”
I wear a mask just like most other people. I’ve recently become more comfortable with being vulnerable and sharing my “stuff” with people that I know will love me anyway. Their response, “I’m so happy that you’re not perfect.” “I’m really happy that this is happening to you.” “Girl, relax and have some fun.” “If you’re having a breakdown, then I feel much better about my issues.”
Tonight, Jon Acuff (who you should look up immediately) shared with us the message that our scars serve as lighthouses for others who are about to hit the same rocks that we have in our journey. It is important that people know your story and that you give people an insider’s look–Behind the Music or better yet, The Actor’s Studio, because act is what most of us do all day. We ACT as if we’re doing well, we act as if our relationships are perfect, we act like we have completely accepted ourselves, we act like we have the best relationship with Christ, we act like we aren’t in debt, and we act like we aren’t afraid. And the Academy Award goes to…
By opening up to my friends, our relationships have strengthened and there is a reciprocity of support that is built between someone who knows who you are and loves you anyway. There hasn’t been an ounce of judgement, only love along with empathy, sympathy, helpful humor, and hugs.
My name is Krystal and I’m actually a bit of a mess. A well dressed mess but still a mess. At 30, I’m coming to the conclusion that being a mess doesn’t make me less than, it actually makes me more–more human, more honest, more relatable,and more able to address my issues now that I can say them out loud over Margherita Pizza at City House, dessert at Cheesecake Factory, Wine at Bistro 360, and wherever else it all happens to be poured onto the table. It also, in many cases, makes me more grateful because I fully know that I don’t deserve any of the blessings that the Lord has bestowed upon me. I am so thankful for His Grace. He hasn’t given up on me and He never will no matter how much I continue to disappoint him. More of Him and less of Me is what I desire but that is so much easier said than done.
Le sigh! If I would have known that being less than perfect would help not only me, but also those around me, I would have dropped this act a long time ago. The whole adage of “Live your truth” means more and more to me everyday.