2014 in review–Thanks for reading!

Nice to get an annual blog report. This helps me set goals for 2015. I know that I need to be consistent and instead of pushing myself to post 5-7 days a week, I’m committing  to posting on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Those are the days that make the most sense to me and are the most doable. I’ve also pledged to post my entries on my personal Facebook page and not just my PeculiarPearl Facebook page as this will provide me with more exposure. I’ve been a bit fearful of doing this BUT I gotta push through that fear and hit SHARE. My goal is to be able to utilize my blog as an arm of my speaking/facilitation career that I have also pledged to build this year and it serves as an alternate form of providing knowledge through my role as a leadership educator. I share my full self and I promise that when I post, I’m being my most authentic self. You are getting the stories that occur at the intersection of all my identities. This blog has been a part of my life since 2011 and it has helped me make meaning of my life experiences. It is the most effective form of reflection that I have in my life. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read, like, comment, and share. I hope you’re just as excited about PeculiarPearl in 2015 as I am as I type this post.

Thanks for reading!

Krystal aka Peculiar Pearl

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,500 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 58 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

The 2014 Experience

It’s that time of year for everyone to post their Year in Review or Flip-o-gram or whatever other social media gimmick that allows you to review the “most liked” or “double tapped” moments of the year. In one push of a button you can see how others engaged with your posts. Did they share it? Did they comment? The all important question seems to be, “How did others feel about your year?” –Don’t get me wrong, I love social media and I get the same dopamine rush that we all get when someone shows appreciation for whatever visual or philosophical thought I offered to the world. BUT, when it came time to think about my year, I didn’t want to get caught up in what y’all liked. I wanted to be reminded of what I loved and really what I learned from this year. If there’s something I know for sure, we are forever learners and life is the best teacher we’ll ever have in this world.

Over on Instagram @clarkkn, I’ve been posting my Top 10 moments of the year. The moments are not in any specific order. #kncin2014 will take you through the journey of my experiences and why I cherished them so much.

Reflection is a high impact practice and we all need to take time to engage in meaning making when it comes to our lives. It would do us all good to not just tumble through life without learning from all of its highs,lows, and in betweens.

reflection

Take some time to think back through your year and figure out what you want to carry into 2015 and what you’d like to leave behind. What are some best practices that helped you be successful? What are those decisions you made that you would not repeat? Who are those people that you want to develop or strengthen relationships with in 2015? Engage in goal-setting. NOT RESOLUTIONS! GOALS! Write them and create an action plan for success. When in doubt, make your goals S.M.A.R.T.

S= Specific–“I’d like to help create world peace.”–Nope. Dig Deeper! What do you specifically want to do?

M= Measurable– “I just want to do a lot of fun things.” –Nope. How will you know that you’re making progress or completed your goal?

A= Attainable–“I want to go to Mars.” –Nope. Unless, you’re one of those small group of people that will actually have this opportunity. –Dream big but think about your resources. Remember, you can’t be anything you want to be but you can be more of who you are.

R= Relevant–Is this goal valuable to you? To you organization? It has to matter. Make the things that matter happen in 2015.

T= Time-Bound –When is your deadline? “Someday.” –Nope. –March 31, 2015 at 10am–Perfect.

smart goals

Others subscribe to HARD Goals and would rather think in terms of the following:

H= Heartfelt

A= Animated

R= Required

D= Difficult

Check out more details here. This might be a great way to shake up your regular goal setting process. It might even work for you to take your goals through both processes.

All of those things that have been on your “to-do” list for multiple years–you know things like, learn a second language, take ballroom dance lessons, go on a missions trip, lose 15 lbs., and read the entire Harry Potter Series–have a sit down with yourself and make a firm decision as to whether that lingering thing is even really important to you. I love that Arianna Huffington in her book, “Thrive” brought us the concept that one can finish a project simply by taking it off the list. No shade shall be given, just cross it off and breathe it out.

Check out my Top 10 list on Instagram and then create your own. What did you learn and how did this year leave a mark on your life? What goals do you have in 2015?

Thanks for reading.

comes to

You Live & You Learn

One of the biggest lessons I learned this year was that I have to stop holding people accountable to stories that I’ve written for them. –They have never told me or more importantly shown me that they want to play the role I’ve developed for them. I had to stop letting my imposed narrative lead me to disappointment. —The stories we tell ourselves are powerful. Be willing to step back and discover the origin of the narrative. This will help you direct your response in the right direction and more often than not, you’ll be forced to deal with the person in the mirror.

show you maya a

Now, I’m not saying this is easy and it hurts, but this mindset has began to save me from hurt, rejection, frustration, anger, and sadness. Managing my expectations and believing people when they tell me and when they show me who they are is the best way to go about living and loving others. When a person wounds me, I have to develop an understanding as to why I feel the way I do and how that person can possess that much power over me. What I know now is that the story I’ve told myself about that person leads me down a dangerous path. The assuming, the hoping, the dreaming, the wishing, the praying, the unchecked believing,  the lack of crucial conversations, the passive aggressiveness, and the disregard for the truth that is staring me in my face had to stop. 

Instead of lamenting, “Why did they do this to me?” Turn inward and think “Why did I do this to myself? What made me write this story? What am I missing? What do I need? What hurt is plaguing my heart that caused me to carve out this narrative and impose my will on someone who never agreed to own it?” This is what you need to address and not the “failure” of the other person. 

Think about the stories you’ve authored for others. Do yourself a favor and delete them. Instead, take that person at face value and the sum of their words and actions. Do this as an act of grace for both of you. 

Thanks for reading, y’all.

Sunday Flare & Focus

Everyone always treats Monday poorly when in reality it’s only doing its job.

Rise Up

To help put my Monday into perspective, I started engaging in a Sunday Flare & Focus. My SF&F is a time for me to lay out my week on a sheet of paper brain dump style. By doing this I am able to view my week as an entire entity. From this view, I create a list of tasks that need to be completed, figure out days that I need to pack workout clothes, ensembles I might want to consider this week, clarify any instances of double booking that may have occurred, cancel any unnecessary appointments, make a list of emails that need to be sent and conversations that need to be had, meetings  to attend and preparation needed to be successful, and any fun things in the city that I make plans to do with friends on on a solo mission.

When I lay out my week in this manner, I am able to clearly see all of the bright spots that lay ahead for me. For instance, when laying out my current week I smiled while noting the following:

1.  A trip to ICE! and the Opryland Hotel with my friend Dee who celebrates Hanukkah but desired a bit of the Christmas spirit.

2. My 2nd visit to my 3rd classroom as a reader for Book ‘Em.

3. Barre3 class and a possible exit with enough time to attend a favorite church service that is often beyond my schedule due to a standing Tuesday night meeting.

4. Attendance at my first Leadership Educators’ Institute in Ft. Worth, TX where I’ll be presenting my first educational session at this conference to my new pool of colleagues.

These four bright spots now stand above all the rest of the “stuff” that makes up my week and because I can see them shining, I am more excited to attack my week with the constant feeling that whatever I’m wading through during the day, I’m on my way to a better place. Bright spots are the, “I get to ____________ moments.”

My Sunday F&F allows me to get excited about my week and it also allows me to plan for my success. After I brain dump all of the week’s happenings, I then go back and chunk prioritize the items by day. To make sure that I can get it all done on the target day, I  go into my calendar and block off time to attend to each task. With this plan in hand, I walk into my office or wherever I’ve chosen to set up shop on Monday with an action-oriented demeanor. I know what I need to get done and I can easily track my progress. If I only get those 3-4 things checked off my list then I’ve had a good day.

today

One of the many things that I’m working on in my life is showing gratitude to God in the good times and the bad times. He’s good ALL the time and I must honor that He has a plan. My pastor recently stated (maybe not in these exact words) that “in bad times we talk to God and in good times we talk about God”. I’ve got to do better with doing both regardless of my circumstance. Laying out my week gives me a better sense of what to be thankful for and for what I need to be praying. I know He is always by my side BUT sometimes I need His strength even more depending on the meeting  ;).

gratitude changes everything

The Sunday F&F gives me a reminder as to how I’m spending my time. Am I truly engaging with people and organizations that are helping me achieve my life’s mission? Do I need to make more time to connect with people and things in my life that feed my soul? Perhaps something or someone that I really don’t value or does not value me is taking up way too much of my schedule. I can adjust the picture and make the necessary changes with accurate insight collected from the F&F.

We live in a world of people who loudly sing, “I don’t have time.” in their overcommitted and poorly prioritized show choir ensembles. The F&F forces me to take a regular time audit to help me determine whether or not I am prioritizing my time in a way that aligns with my values. Show me how you spend your time and I’ll tell you what you value.  For the majority of us, how we spend our time is a CHOICE. A choice is not just something you have; it is something you do. CHOOSE HOW YOU SPEND YOUR TIME WISELY.

tomorrow

One does not need a fancy planner to conduct a Sunday Flare & Focus. All you need is paper and a writing utensil or you could be fancy and use the computer. I’m not able to plan my life on a screen so I kick it old school. Try the following:

1. Brain dump your entire week onto a piece of paper. Lay it all out there from the oil change to the Ugly Christmas sweater party and everything in between. This is the Flare part.  The rest is all about Focus.

2. Highlight the Bright Spots. “I get to do/go/be/wear/hug/cook…” –> Practice gratitude. Use these as your sanity guideposts throughout the week.  Make notice of those Dim Bulbs–those things that you really aren’t looking forward to that week. Maybe it’s a tough conversation with a colleague or maybe everyone is going on a cruise but you realize that your finances aren’t going to allow you to make that monetary sacrifice. Thank Him for both Bright Spots and Dim Bulbs but keep those Dim Bulbs at the top of your prayer list.

3. If you’d like, Organize items into thematic lists such as emails, phone calls, meeting prep, items to pack, and items to buy, etc.

4. Assign a Target Day/Deadline. I tend to just put M, T, W, R, F, S, Su. –We used ‘R’ in undergrad for Thursday at my school.

5. Put time in your calendar to address the item(s) on the Target Day. Be aware that 1 task could have 8 steps and you’ll need time to complete all the sub steps of any task. This is why chunk prioritization is important as it helps you not overwhelm your day. You have an idea of the estimated time each task will take and you can in a sense “balance” your day with heavy and light tasks. If I don’t put it on my calendar, it isn’t going to happen.

6. Do it! Check it off the list and get you a hit of dopamine :). Read Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek if you don’t get that reference. 

It has changed my life for the better to not hurl myself into Monday without a plan of action. If I skip my Sunday Flare & Focus, I feel it and immediately regret not spending a few moments getting myself prepped for the week.

Own your week and give your next Monday a big smile. Thank your Sunday Flare & Focus for giving you a new lease on life.

Thanks y’all for reading.

Own Your Weekend

Hey!

I have realized that I do so much during the week post work that I’m often exhausted during the weekend. Though I love post 5pm opportunities M-F, I’ve got to reclaim the power of Saturday and Sunday. After lots of time running on the hamster wheel of catch up when it came to work, spending sunny days in my office checking things off my to-do list that were not addressed  due to manufactured crises, useless meetings, social media distractions, colleague conversations, or impromptu and lengthy counseling sessions with the students, I decided that I could no longer subject myself to such torture aka weekend deprivation. The weekend belongs to me and should not belong to my occupation. A weekend side hustle is fine and being on campus to tailgate and cheer on the football team are acceptable but this whole “overachiever” business just needed to cease. Whatever I get done at the end of the day is ENOUGH! The world will keep spinning whether or not I rewrite the Student Leader Survey.

After engaging in intense, needed, and rejuvenating couch time on Friday night and Saturday during which I watched Rush and Walk the Line and went to bed early (Don’t be jelly!) I planned to make Sunday an external day. When I first moved to Nashville in 2011, I was hellbent on seeing this city in all its loveliness. Everything and everyone was new and I had to experience every delicious, melodic, and Christ filled part of it while I whirled around town on solo missions and prolific friend dates. If you need some help with friend dating, holla at your girl. I got that game on lock. I decided that it’s time to get back in the action. Music City is growing at a rapid pace and I’ve gotten behind on touring the list of wonders that make this place the “it” city.

Sunday’s Agenda

– Church at Church of the City in East Nashville

Barista Parlor for brunch in East Nashville

Barre3 Nashville in the Park in Public Square Park

I think my three basic elements were covered: A good Word, A good plate, and A good workout–my mind, body, and soul were well fed this fine Sunday.

IMG_6849

Ephesians 3:20 –“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…” — His power goes beyond anything we can even fathom. His power saves us and sends us. He is able to do so much more because His power is at work within us. We have to step into God’s power. We walk around feeling like we are in control and we have the ultimate power over our lives BUT we don’t and we have to stop living at that level. “Most Christians salute the sovereignty of God but believe in the sovereignty of man.” —R.C. Sproul –How true is this? We claim that God is at the center of our lives and that we are placing everything in His hands but in actuality we are holding on to it tightly in our palms in fear of letting it go. Pastor Matt told us to think about the relationship in our life that we feel will never be healed and give it to God. Pray about it and watch Him work. Because God’s power is  working within us and it sends us to spread the good Word, we also have to be cognizant of how we can capitalize on his power in our everyday lives. How can you use the word in your workplace, the place you workout, during your volunteer efforts in the community, or when you meet a stranger in the check-out line. I realize that having The Bible in my office and scriptures posted in my office, and when I proclaim, “God is good” or “Give it to God”  or when I’m blaring my Christian Spotify playlist that I’m spreading His word in a way that allows others to tap into that place within themselves even for just a moment. I’m not being pushy, I’m just being present. I crave control but everyday I must remind myself that ultimately, I am not in control. He is God and I am not. Done. His power saves us and sends us. Those are the truths I need to hold on to all day, every day.

IMG_6858

IMG_6855

After all this message and beautiful worship I headed over to Barista Parlor for brunch and what I found to be a really cool atmosphere. It was gorgeous outside and the sun hit the Barista Parlor sign perfectly. I ordered The Huntsmen with Bacon and a Hot Chocolate. The cornbread was EVERYTHING!!! #cornbreadcoma –The place is cool and a perfect hipster destination. It’s one of those places that you question whether or not you’re actually cool enough to be in the room. Luckily, I think my hair makes me 10 times cooler than most people in the room ;). KIDDING! People told me that the Baristas were a bit pretentious but I found them to be adorably sweet. The decor was curated in an intentional way that makes the place look vintage and modern all at the same time. I enjoyed sitting and writing with addictive music in the background.

—COSTUME CHANGE—

IMG_6861

All we needed was a mat, water, and a towel for a great workout. We got sweet goodie bags too :).

All we needed was a mat, water, and a towel for a great workout. We got sweet goodie bags too :).

Off to Barre3 Nashville in the Park at Public Square Park to find my edge and embrace those muscle changing shakes. I loved the weather and the workout, but most of all I love the team that make up this studio. Strong women who are beautiful inside and out without any pretense whatsoever. The mic was dropped when it didn’t work and the show went on while we all did crescent lunge under the most beautiful blue sky. The studio is co-owned by two powerhouse women and they have golden hiring fingers. All of the instructors make me happy and I never thought how great it would be for me to find a sense of belonging at the place in which I workout. Barre3 is a great fitness movement for women and I’m an avid supporter.

Called my mom on the way back home (I call my mom every Sunday. If I don’t, the police will be at my door. NOT KIDDING!) and that was a perfect end to my day. She made me laugh extra hard and made me extra proud for the work she’s doing at my home church. I know that He’s using her in the best way. She’s so great with kids and I know that’s where her brain and heart need to be focused. She did pretty well with me and my bro. We are so blessed to have had a mother who challenged and supported us. Kids need that so much. My mom was never my friend, she was my mom and THAT made ALL the difference.

I think I did a pretty stellar job of Owning My Weekend. Next weekend, I’ll be in Kansas City at AJLI’s ODI representing the Junior League of Nashville. Can’t wait to tell you all about it.

It was nice to get back into the city and commit to adventuring around town to new places. I can’t let my week claim all of my energy and passing the time by slumping around my apartment just ain’t gonna cut it. Taking time to get some adult things done is fine BUT I’m only 31 and there’s no need to miss all this sunshine and leaf changing color time. Time to get back in the game.

How are you Owning Your Weekend?

Thanks for reading!

Lata Y’all.

That Time I Decided to Become Myself

Hair is a thing.

Or at least I feel that my hair is a thing.

I’ve never been quite content with my hair.

I ran around with a towel or pillowcase on my head pretending as if I had long flowing locks.

I marveled after Bridget, Kelly, Stacy, Brandie, Amber, and Britney with their soft, long, ponytail worthy hair.

I hated the Jheri Curl that my mom made me keep for way too long.

I abhorred the fact that mom didn’t know how to do hair which led to some very interesting moments throughout middle school.

As soon as I could convince my mother I purchased hair for the micro braids that seemingly made me come to life in high school.

After I was done with those I ran to lay tracks in my head that transported my hair to the middle of my back, sky high ponytails, and eventually in a chic shoulder length bob that was more appropriate for my sparkling royal blue homecoming queen gown. My grandmother nicknamed me Farrah Fawcett.

I didn’t see my hair until I was a freshman in college. That reveal was a mistake and one that I was quite miffed at my “hairdresser” of a friend about for about 20 minutes. However, the boy loved it because he finally got to see me and he loved me

Then came the era of the curling iron.  I flipped it, curled it, wrapped it, greased it, straightened it, relaxed it, cut it, banged it, and all in all I killed it. Everything I did to it murdered its true essence. I fought against its very nature.

In grad school, I found Wanda and she whipped it back into shape. She cut it, relaxed it, and worked her magic wand to make it thick and healthy. She made it beautiful and in my mind made me beautiful. The white boys in the fraternity I lived in would watch her revive their “mom’s” mane. When I graduated, I let Ashley cut it into a gorgeous Posh Spice bob. It was admired. Ashley, a white girl, had cut my hair with an expert hand and the black girls at my salon in VA bowed down with respect.

I then moved to NC and well, it all went downhill from there. I never found “my person” so I let randoms get into my glory and sometimes it was great and other times it wasn’t. I started getting it trimmed and learned how to do it myself –bad idea. I get my non hair doing gene from my mama.

By the time I got to Nashville, she was a wreck. She was split up and dry and d-a-m-a-g-e-d. I showed up at the salon and all they could say was “pass me the scissors”. However, I didn’t have it in me to go short again so after a while I braided my headpiece up and kept her under wraps for a year.

I then had to make a decision. What next?

home to yourself

The girl with the long hair, the girl with the high ponytail, the girl with the long braids, the girl with the cute haircut– the hair brought me courage, it gave me energy, confidence, ease, and well it gave me something that I thought I couldn’t have on my own. Let’s be honest, it also gave me a place to hide. Hair is a status symbol and like anything else that you wear, it tells the world about you. What would people say if I was just me? What if I just became myself?

Recently, I took the plunge. The plunge of going back to natural. I took out all of the hair that was mine as noted on a receipt and released all that had happened over the course of one year of no heat, no chemicals, no products, and no scissors.

I decided to become me. At 31, I became me. Whew!

Me was not happy at first. In fact, me was sad and panicked and planning a return to braids. Me showed up to work with a poo face and refused to show anyone who I actually was underneath it all.

But then, I started figuring out what to do with me. As I looked at me more and more, I realized that I loved me and that my big smile, bright eyes, pretty skin, odd shaped eyebrows, and fat cheeks were all still there. Over the course of a year, I’d grown a nice amount of thick, soft, curly, kinky, and fun hair.

It has now been a month since I’ve been me. Let me tell you, people like me. I’ve had a few outreached hands which were quickly batted away, a few confused looks but then flashes of understanding once I let them know what happened to all the other hair that once belonged to me according to Bank of America, and overall all I’ve had a lot of “I love it”, “It suits you”, “It’s beautiful because its natural”, “You’re beautiful” and so on and so forth.

natural

Most importantly, I’m feeling good about her and her debut into the big bad world. We’re getting along and figuring each other out. She ‘s thirsty for products, likes to be washed every four days, twist outs are her go to and we enjoy when she’s a bit bigger.  I mean, like LARGE. I told myself that I’d go without straightening her for a month and I’m now 2 weeks past that deadline. I have no interest or time to wield a flat iron so perhaps I’ll keep this challenge up for another month.

Hair is political and I know that I’m privileged to work at a place that allows me to wear my hair as I see fit. I never actually foresee my boss saying a  negative word about my hair.  Working with students who we want to shine as bright as possible and also who we work with on a daily basis to live authentic lives makes it easier for staff members to do the same. There are lots of natural students strutting around campus these days.

I avoided going natural for so long because I just didn’t think that the look was me. Imagine, the way I was born is just not authentic enough. [side eye] 

That other hair that I had someone braid into my head was never mine to begin with because it never created an opportunity for me to just be Krystal. It was an accessory, a statement piece, that created a space in which people couldn’t remember what I actually looked like without it. I felt that without that hair I would miss out on something great. Perhaps “the one” was around the corner and he would walk by if I didn’t have that hair.

Ahem! Newsflash, Clark–you didn’t have a man with the hair so what made you think that keeping it longer was going to have any impact on your single status? Point taken. I’m often irrational. Let’s move on to the next point.  Ahem!

What you see is actually what you get. There isn’t any more reveal. I’m coming out as me. “I’m a real girl!” said in Pinocchio voice 🙂

Wearing  a mask is never comfortable because there is the constant worry of what will happen when the mask comes off. There has been a burden lifted with the shedding of the 4 bags of 1B.

The natural adventure is underway and though it has added a great deal of time spent co-washing, detangling, conditioning, applying oils, and twisting, I’m just happy to be Krystal. I’ll never forget that time in the Summer of 2014 when I became me.

natural 2

Thanks for reading!

Later Y’all.

 

 

College…Ready or Not?–College & Money: Too Much and Never Enough

College is a lot of things but one thing it can never claim to be is cheap.

One of the things that I’ve noticed college students often have issues with is money. We’re living in a time in which the vast majority of students are receiving some type of financial aide whether that be scholarships, grants, work study, and/or the dreaded loans. Room and board, books, student fees, and tuition all have to be paid. Costs vary depending on the institution. Private schools are often more expensive than public and going to school out-of-state will often cost you more than in-state. Community Colleges are a less expensive option and there is a movement of students who are starting out at the CC and then transferring to a four-year institution after completing their first two years of coursework. This helps save money while the student pays cheaper tuition, lives at home, and works to save up for the greater costs of a four-year college/university.

 

college money

A source of stress that is rearing its ugly head on campuses is that many students are able to find ways to be able to afford “going to college”. They get what they need to be a student. What they don’t get covered in their financial package is what I call ” [insert name of college/university] Plus”. This is all of the other “stuff” that college students want in order to take full advantage of the college experience.

This might include:

– Fraternity/sorority membership

– Participation in certain clubs/organizations/teams

– Spring Break/Fall Break trips

-Beach Week

– Study Abroad

– Alternative Spring Break

– apparel

-late night food, coffee runs, frozen yogurt, smoothies

– money to spend on the weekend excursions (cabs, festive beverages, dinners out on the town with friends, movie tickets, concerts)

and anything else that costs extra beyond basic college expenses.

This creates a class bubble and can lead to some destructive financial habits including the dreaded college credit card trap. Stay away! If needed, get one card! Only one! Emergencies ONLY! Pay it off immediately! Money also serves as a determinant of how and if students participate in extracurricular activities and it can dictate who they choose to include in their circle of friends.

Here are some financially healthier ways to figure this out:

1. Get a job! There are always offices on campus looking for student workers. Ask your Career Center about resources on campus to help you find openings. These are also usually in the school newspaper, on flyers around campus, and some schools even have Employment Fairs for on-campus jobs. The great thing about working on-campus is that your employer will make sure that you honor your identity as a student. At many of these jobs you can even do your homework during downtime and still count those hours on your timesheet. It’s convenient and you’ll learn about another aspect of the university as well as basic skills that can help you later in life. You won’t get rich BUT you’ll earn extra pocket change for those “plus” opportunities.

Of course, you can also work off-campus. Studies have shown that it is actually beneficial for a student to work 20 hours a week as it helps establish time management skills. Be upfront with your employer about your schedule as a student. Think about the proximity of your job to campus. Unless you absolutely need to, try not to work to the point that you’re actually missing out on your college experience. If you have to work, I get it, but you don’t want to resent your job and you want to make sure that whatever you’re paying for that you actually have an opportunity to be an active participant. Don’t forget, you’re in college to get your diploma. Make sure that you’re not working to the detriment of your academics.

Babysitting is often a clutch role that many students pick-up as a college student.

Check out the Psychology or Sociology department as they are often holding non-threatening and non-invasive studies in which students can serve as subjects and make a little extra money.

A great deal of students work extremely hard over the summer to bank their income in order to serve as their bucket of funds for the upcoming school year. This isn’t a bad idea and will certainly help you to develop and manage a budget.

Make sure to set up a checking account and develop a basic budget. What are your wants versus your needs? What is your family helping you pay for versus what are you responsible to pay for on your own? Keeping track will help you avoid those pesky overdrawn fees that I became way too familiar with in college.

2. Inquire about scholarships or payment plans. For things like sorority/fraternity membership, study abroad, and even some trips there may exist financial aide opportunities in the form of scholarships or payment plans. Connect with the person in charge of finances for the organization and be upfront about your payment concerns. I know that money can be hard to chat about with a peer but if you’re interested in the opportunity then you’ve got to do the work to figure out how to afford it. Just ask the general question, “Are there opportunities for payment plans or scholarships?” Believe me, this isn’t the first time this has been brought up by a student. Contact staff in the Office of Fraternity & Sorority Life or the Study Abroad Office for more information. For many trips, you pay for it during a certain period of time and not all at once. If this is the case, figure out if the payment plan is doable for you and your budget.

3. Look for alternatives. Everyone has the ability to class pass these days. If obtaining the latest gear is important to you then it is important that you become adept at obtaining the look for less. TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Ross, Target, Old Navy, H&M, Forever 21, outlet stores, ASOS, Goodwill,  consignment shops, Charming Charlie’s, EBay, and clearance sales are going to become your best friends. Don’t let me loose in a Wal-Mart–I will make that $15.00 dress look like a million bucks. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. All you need is the look and not the label. Learn how to make that $25.00 dress from Target look like that $150.00 Anthropologie dress. There are so many blogs and Pinterest boards that can assist you with getting the look you want for 1/3 of the price. You wear the clothes. Also, become aware of all the discounts stores offer college students. The movie theatre, J.Crew, LOFT, Kate Spade, and many local boutiques over 10-15% off if you have a college ID. Go for the high/low approach to fashion. Splurge on the basics and save money on overly trendy items that will only be “cool” for 5 seconds. My current outfit includes a Target dress, belt that came with a TJ Maxx dress, Anthropologie flats that were 50% off and I used my birthday discount to purchase, Stella & Dot bracelet, Longchamp Tote,  Old Navy Cardigan, and basic pearl studs from Macy’s.  I could throw on another basic Target dress and have a whole new look tomorrow. Rock what you got! Confidence is the essence of style.

confidence

For anything that people are buying that is exorbitant in price, you can certainly find a lower-cost option including the needed textbooks. Check out AMAZON or local booksellers before you settle on the bookstore prices. There are often previous students who also will cut you a great deal on their used textbooks. Don’t forget, you can make money on those at the end of the semester. The University will often hold a Buy Back OR you can sell to fellow students. Sometimes, I would get up to $250.00 back at the end of the semester. Granted that was certainly not anywhere near the amount I spent on them but I wasn’t mad at $250.00 to help celebrate the end of the semester.

Switch up your social plan so that you can still go out, but do it differently than your peers. Perhaps you engage in festive beverages before you go out, maybe you eat dinner on your already paid for meal plan as opposed to splurging on an expensive dinner, take the free student bus and not a cab, keep coffee or chai in your room so as not to make Starbucks runs that quickly add up. Have a stash of snacks for those late night urges.

4. Scour your campus for FREE opportunities. You’re in college and there is free fun happening EVERYWHERE! Make it a game and see how many free things you can attend, eat, and take home each week. Shows, lectures, t-shirts, movies, food, sporting events, and lessons, etc. can all be found underneath your nose. Take advantage of it and take a group of friends on low budget adventures.  Perhaps create a FREE STUFF resource through twitter, Facebook, or a blog to disseminate to your peers. I don’t care how much money you have, everyone loves free stuff.

5. Sometimes, you just have to accept that you can’t do all the things. I accepted that I’d never be off to Cancun for Spring Break or Italy in the summer. I accepted that I could not afford sorority membership or full-price items from J.Crew. I learned to be happy with what I had and to fill in any perceived “gaps” with all of the free or inexpensive stuff I could find. I had an amazing college experience. I’m eternally grateful that I even was able to attend college. When it gets rough, think about the bigger picture. You’re one of the privileged few that has the opportunity to receive a college education. Praise Him!

enough gratitude

The biggest obstacle is often communicating to your friend group about your finances.

What do you say when everyone wants to call a cab to go downtown to grab dinner and festive beverages at the new swanky speakeasy? 

What do you say when your girls have invited you to Vegas for Fall Break? 

I would encourage you to do this, TELL THE TRUTH.

If peeps walk away from you because of your financial situation then you might want to find new friends. College is hard enough without hiding your economic situation from people and lying your way through the day by making excuse after excuse about why you can’t do things with the group. The truth also trumps unsurmountable credit card debt that could haunt you long after you graduate.

“Y’all, that’s just a bit too steep for my budget. Would you consider [insert option here]?” 

“The old bank account doesn’t feel good about this one, y’all go ahead and I’ll see you in the morning for brunch at the caf.” 

“You know, this event is happening on campus tonight and that makes more sense for me financially right now.” 

“I’ll meet y’all there. It’ll be best for me to take the bus.” 

“Thanks for inviting me along for the trip. I’m all about it and can’t wait to celebrate with y’all, but I’m going to look into making my own travel plans.” 

“I’m going to eat dinner here and then I’ll be able to take the cab and grab a celebratory beverage.” 

“I’m planning next Thursday night. We’ll have a fun and low-key game night with my home cooking.” 

Once again living your truth invites others to do the same and it creates a learning opportunity for those that are completely oblivious to financial struggles of other students. Unfortunately, when money is not an issue for students they often assume that those around them –especially when you attend a prestigious institution that has a reputation of attracting economically privileged students–come from the same economic background and that money is not an issue for anyone and certainly not those they call their friends.

Don’t expect your friends to change their lives entirely for you but instead make the adjustments that will allow you to participate at whatever level makes you comfortable. A good friend will get it and will support you in your practices.

Money is something that we’ve been taught in the South to not speak about at the dinner table, but I think it demonstrates a great deal of maturity for a student to authentically address this matter with those who are important in shaping their collegiate experience.

Developing this practice now will also help you to not become an adult who struggles to “keep up with the Jones'”. This family has caused us all so many issues. The goal isn’t to keep up with anyone but yourself. Remember, money and stuff, will never bring you lasting happiness.

enough money

Class has to become a topic that college students become more able to discuss. College is the place to strengthen the skills to have what have been deemed “awkward conversations”. The more students can relate across class lines the better.

How are you managing your finances in college?

Hope the first year is going well. Thanks for reading.

Lata Y’all.

 

I said “no” and it was all okay.

no 2

 

I said “no” and it was all okay.

Recently, I stepped back from a commitment. I’d thought about it for a few months but I kept plugging away because I’m not great at stepping back–I’m a step forward kinda girl.

After a while I realized that not only was I doing myself harm by not backing down but I was also doing the opposite of a good volunteer and I was actually hurting the organization. I wasn’t fulfilling my end of the bargain.

It all felt like an obligation. Life has too many obligations that we should not be in the business of adding more of the “o” word to our plate. I want to want to do everything that I commit my time to in this world. I want all my “extra” in life to feel like an opportunity or a privilege. I don’t want it to be painful. When I fail to prioritize something time and time again, that is a clear indication that I need to let it go. Please don’t start singing that song from Frozen. I actually am the only person in the world who doesn’t get the obsession with the song or the movie.

It hurt to write my goodbye emails but it also lifted an extremely large burden off my shoulders. Now, I don’t have to feel bad about not wanting to do it and then actually not doing it.

It is my opinion that organizations would rather have a clear “no” than a weak and noncommittal “yes”.

no 3

Don’t worry about being perceived as a “quitter” and don’t walk around thinking that the organization will fail if you walk away. Everyone in an organization should be replaceable. If not, it has bigger problems than you no longer wanting to be involved. Walking away doesn’t mean that you don’t care about the cause and in most cases, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be involved again at a later time. All it means is that you are taking the opportunity to take care of yourself —own that moment and honor it.

Look at your plate. Is there an item or item(s) on it that you need to bow out of graciously? Think about your exit strategy.

Why are you backing away? Don’t think about this too deeply because it could be as simple as  you just don’t want to do it anymore. Maybe you want to devote yourself to other activities. Maybe you became too involved too fast and need to examine whether or not this activity meets your overall vision and mission for your life.

Who do you need to tell that you’re taking a time out? The chair of the committee, president of the organization? Maybe you want to send private emails to those folks who you’ve developed relationships with that you don’t want to have hard feelings about your departure. You can still stay connected to these folks. No need to burn bridges. The world is tiny.

Is there any transition that you need to assist with upon your departure? Should you set up a meeting to pass along materials and engage in any knowledge transfer to keep this aspect of the organization stable and poised for success? Don’t just leave the organization high and dry. Also, make sure that you update any communications that have you listed as a member of the group such as your email signature, LinkedIn, business cards, and other social media profiles.

What does the conversation sound like when you communicate with others that you’re no longer involved? You don’t owe people an ounce of an explanation but it would be wise to not bad mouth people or the organization. Perhaps you can recommend others to get involved. Maybe you decide to still support on some level (fiscally, low key volunteer position, and social media promotion, etc.). Don’t be afraid to tell people that you needed to clean up your plate of life. Your freedom to admit and live your truth invites others to do the same.

no complete sentence

Relax! Breathe it away and keep it moving. Think about how you’re going to use this extra space in your life. Maybe you just need to do nothing with it except binge watch a show on Netflix and make it to Barre class more than twice a week. Doesn’t that sound awesome?

If you’re anything like me than you are often the last person on your to-do list AND this right here, the art of stepping back, is helping you to move yourself up spot by spot until that one magical day when you find yourself in the #1 slot.

Say “no” or “goodbye” and watch how your life changes. I am living proof that you can say these words and it all be okay. If you need some help with saying no in a way that feels better to your heart and mind check out this list below:

helpful ways to say no

I encourage you to say “no” today.

Thanks for reading.

Lata Y’all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

College…Ready or Not?: Go With Your Gut!

There was a pause in my blog because I was actually working with college students and not just writing to them for the past few days. Move-In has occurred. The “visitors” are back on campus. I laugh just thinking about some of the interactions I’ve had since Saturday. Don’t worry, parents/families/guardians, we’re doing our absolute best every day to make sure they’re doing just fine. We love them and don’t even really know them yet. That’s Reason #678 that I love my job. Upon matriculation we fall in love with them and to be honest, never stop. 

But, here’s the thing that students and the people that love them MUST understand. Students are going to make their own decisions–regardless of what any of us “grown folks” have said to them. 

We build college up to be a time of self-discovery, exploration, experimentation, and the period of life when you begin making the journey home to yourself. We preach self-authorship and creating the life you wish you live, being the change you wish to see, “doing you”, and learning all of the nooks and crannies of who you are and what you want to be in this world. Amen! Preach on, preach on! 

All of that stated above is true and Reason #679 that I love working with college students. 

HOWEVER, with all of this freedom to play the game of life, another thing that we MUST get super clear about…I mean, like REAL CLEAR is that your actions have consequences. You are free to make all the decisions you want BUT you are NOT free from the consequences. We have turned college into into the “fake world” and we’re constantly preaching to students about the “real world”. Guess what? College is REAL. 

free to choose 2

You are not actually in a bubble. You are not made out of Teflon. Your actions could lead to self-harm and harm of others. Your actions could create long-term detrimental impact on your life and those you love, have loved, or could possibly love. As my pastor said tonight, The Universal Law of Consequences is actually a thing. 

storms

I know that it can be ridiculously hard in college to make a good personal decision. A decision–a choice–that is all your own and no one else’s. One that you can completely own up to and take accountability for without hesitation. You’ve got a lot of factors weighing on you at all times. Family, peers, professors, crazy staff members like me, and  all the many sides of you that are playing a fiercely intense 24/7 game of Tug-of-War in your heart, mind, and soul. Oh, and your gut. Your gut is ALWAYS speaking to you. I mean, not out loud unless you know something about the gut that I don’t. In that case, please stop reading and consult your nearest physician. 

What I firmly believe is that we know way more about ourselves than we take credit for. Sure, you might be 18, but if I asked you to list things that you’re 99% sure you’d never do or that you know would be really bad for you then you could do just that. When you find yourself in a multiple choice situation, your gut wakes up and it starts chattering like crazy. There is something inside of you pushing you towards “your right” answer. Notice, I said “your right answer” because what’s right for you and what’s right for someone else might not be the same. This is where it gets even more tricky, because when you’re in college–you tend to surround yourself with people who you feel are similar to you. So,  if you are “the same” then you should be okay with doing the same things and making the same decisions as those other same people. Hmmm…my friends, that is false and irrational logic. This is why peer pressure is the downfall of most. You are not your roommate, teammate, or sorority sister/fraternity brother. You are, YOU! Your gut works for YOU. Don’t let someone else’s gut do the talking. If you do, then you’ll be subject to consequences that were never actually meant for you. You could have made a different decision. You could have manifested a different outcome. 

trust your gut

This is so much easier said than done. I get it. You’re in college and the wannabe cool kid side of you is winning at tug-of-war. Sometimes, it takes a year or two to tire that kid out and wake up the side of you that has a better understanding of what’s important in life. Someone who has finally embraced what they value and want to live it out loud. No matter which senior I have spoken with throughout my 8 years of working with college students as a graduate student and as a professional, the cool kid never wins the tug-of-war tournament. In fact, at some point that person gratefully disappears from from the field.  

Embrace who you are and what your gut is telling you. I’m not telling you not to explore or experiment but that’s not necessarily the best practice to have with every aspect of your life. Work real hard to muster up the courage to remove yourself from places, things, and people that don’t serve you and aren’t in your best interest. Leave that party. Quit that group. Don’t respond to those people. Don’t pop that pill. Put that cup down. Don’t go in that room. If the people you hang out with aren’t fans of your gut, then they aren’t fans of you and frankly, you can do better. 

intuition

SPOILER ALERT! YOU WILL MAKE BAD DECISIONS!–you will make heartbreaking decisions during college, your actions will break your heart and the heart of people you love. This doesn’t make you a bad human. It just makes you human. Even if some people never find out about those decisions, you’ll always know and that is consequence enough. But, what you won’t do is wallow in regret and you certainly won’t accept that this is the best you can do. If you know you can do better for yourself then do that. People like me on a college campus always want to help you get back up after you fall down. We won’t even say “I told you so”. 

If looking in the mirror ever becomes difficult, then let’s create a new reflection. 

With everything that happens during the first semester of college and all of the options that are put on your plate, remember, your gut already knows what’s up. It has known you for 18 years. You know more than you think you know about who you are and who you want to be or want not to be in this world. Don’t silence that voice. 

So, what’s your gut been telling you? 

Lata Y’all!